The Dark Side of the Me Too Movement

We live in a really strange era. There are a lot of truly amazing things happening--and a lot of truly dark things. And sometimes good things have very dark sides. 

Let me start out by saying point blank that I am all for the Me Too Movement. We MUST ALWAYS listen to and take allegations of abuse and sexual misconduct seriously. We MUST ensure that every victim is heard. We MUST investigate thoroughly and impartially, sweeping nothing under the rug. We must always make space for victims to feel safe. There are genuine predators in the Pagan Community; we are not impervious. We cannot allow them to flourish; we cannot allow their actions to go unchecked. We are all too often willing--eager--to believe that it can't happen to us, but it can. It has. It does. We are just as human as the next guy; that means our community is filled with the good, the bad, and--unfortunately--the ugly. 

But key words here are that we must investigate these allegations "thoroughly" and "impartially". 

I like that last one a lot. 

Not so long ago, a Big Name Pagan caused a huge disruption in my local community by starting a witch hunt against someone, in the name of "sexual abuse". Now, the someone (much like the more famous case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard) is not a saint.  I'm not 100% certain exactly how things started, only that it was instigated with the help of an angry ex-girlfriend or two, with no evidence (or rather, evidence that got conveniently erased or lost). The Angry Ex and the BNP rounded up a bunch of angry people (because when you're not a saint, you piss people off) and compiled a ludicrous dossier. I know it's ludicrous because I've read it. What makes it ludicrous isn't so much the allegations, but the way in which it was compiled. Ask the right people the right questions and you'll get the answers you're looking for--further, more use the right language when you present the final document to people and you will definitely get the reactions you're looking for. You don't have to be a professional to know you don't use phrases like "Victim #1 said Abuser did X" if you're being impartial. 

When this document was presented around town, the Victims were left unnamed, so even if someone did want to follow up with an independent investigation, it would not have been possible--although as far as I could ever see, no one even bothered trying. Anyone with an axe to grind (remember, the Accused is not a saint) jumped on board. It was a train wreck--and frankly, it could have caused far more damage than it did (although it caused plenty). 

But I'm not here to talk about the damage done to the Accused. She is a strong woman who is beautifully living her life and I'm proud of her for it, and for the graceful way she conducted herself through the shit-storm. While the Angry Ex was busy stirring the pot, keeping people angry (even though most people in the General Public were on her side), the Accused was busy getting on with life. 

What I want to talk about is the damage this has done to the Community--and to my heart (and I suspect the hearts of many others). 

In some ways, we got lucky. This whole ugly affair didn't cause a (public) rift. It didn't start a Witch War--despite the best efforts of the BNP, who continues to stir the pot. Every single time things start to die down, she (or one of the others directly involved) makes some barbed public statement, because somehow, no victory is going to be victory enough. Yes, she was politely asked not to be a Guest Speaker at an event shortly after her witch-hunt began. (What she'll say publically is that she was just trying "to do the right thing" and protect the "victims by outing a sexual predator" -- what she doesn't mention is that her victim was also asked not to present at the same event -- and removed from staff for the year.)

(Why precisely the same Committee welcomed the BNP back for another event is beyond me....but that is quite literally, not my circus and not my monkeys!)

In case you're wondering why a BNP would attack with a local presenter...well, the honest answer is that I have no idea. It was clear from the statements that both ex-lovers and ex-housemates had axes to grind (I wonder how many of my exes could say incriminating things about me? How about you?) The thing is, that almost NO ONE in the community went to the Accused to say "I heard this thing, and I'm wondering if we could talk about it because I really want to hear your side." That's the dark side of the Me Too Movement--although it's not new. An accusation doesn't have to be true to get people to turn on someone. (Also, if you ask the right people, the right questions, and write it up in the right way--and no one ever checks the alleged victims statements, which were given to most people with the names redacted anyway--it's seriously easy to get a modern-day version of a lynch mob together.) 

The reason the community wasn't torn apart is that there were a number of people trying desperately to contain the damage, to work together, to keep the peace. The Accused wasn't  quite hung out to dry (which is why, I believe, the BNP keeps trying to stir the pot)--but neither was she defended. We were all too sensitive to the Me Too Movement to speak out against the alleged victims (not that most people got to see their names anyway). We--rightly--do not want to victim-blame or victim-shame, or make real victims feel unsafe coming forward. And here in the Pagan community, we have other concerns as well. We don't have the greatest track record, internally (Kenny Klein), and we're determined to do better.

We also (most of us) have lived through at least one Witch War and we don't want another one, even when we know the Accused isn't guilty of what they've been charged with. So we worked together with the accusers. We made concessions. We compromised our integrity and didn't stand with the falsely-Accused "for the good of the community." We didn't want to see it torn apart. 

We were wrong. And I was a part of that "we" -- until I wasn't. Until I couldn't bend or compromise away another shred of honor, another fiber of morality. 

There are a number of things I am having problems with in my local community, and this is one of them. Sometimes, you have got to stand up for what's right, even when it's unpopular. Even when it's going to cause a war--because sometimes war is justified. Sometimes the Accused is the Victim, and they have as much right to be heard as their accusers. 

I stepped away from the community after the BNP was asked to be the Big Name Presenter at another local event (sponsored by the very same committee she smeared on social media, not a few weeks before) -- after the Temple I was connected to supported that event publically, giving tacit approval to the BNP and her antics. 

I stepped away from my community after because too many people were either too willing to compromise their ethics in the name of peace or too happy to jump on the band wagon without even bothering to hear both sides. 

The Big Name Pagan is Michelle Belanger. The primary Event is ConVocation. (The secondary one was some sort of Spring Fling, that honestly, I wouldn't have gone to anyway, because it's not my cuppa.) The Committee is MEC. The organization I was a board member of is Pagan Pathways Temple. (I am also a former board member of MEC). My community is in Metro Detroit--and I am withdrawing a little more from it every single day, for Lots of Reasons. This was the tipping point for me, I am only ashamed it took me as long as it did to say "enough, I'm done." 

As painful as Witch Wars are, maybe this time we needed one. Maybe this was something that should have been worth fighting for. Maybe more of us should have stood up loud and proud for the Accused -- although to be fair, my understanding is that the Accused wasn't too keen on the idea. I can't say as I blame her. I think mostly I'm angry at myself for not taking a stronger public position sooner. (Privately, I made no bones about my feelings.) 

And the honest truth is that there are no perfect solutions. When these things happen (they have always happened and they will always continue to happen), we frequently only hear one side. When the "documentation" comes from a BNP (one who came to us with glowing endorsements from established Pagans with solid reputations) -- and when it's phrased very carefully -- it's easy to believe. It's easy to jump on the band wagon.

It's easy to not want to cause ripples in the community. 

I know it's difficult to listen to someone who is Accused of sexual misconduct, especially when that someone isn't a saint. It's even more difficult to question the accusers' motives because we want to believe that no one would make those kinds of accusations if they weren't true.

But people lie. People have their words taken out of context. Or are twisted around so completely that they don't even recognize that THEY were the unnamed Victim when they read the document. 

So I would caution everyone reading this to be wary of their knee-jerk reactions. Learn to listen. To think. To ask questions. And yes, to always make the complainant feel safe and heard--but to never take a story at face value without doing your own homework because sometimes the real victim is actually the Accused. And newsflash: no one is immune from these sorts of accusations; it could be you some day. I suggest we ALL remember that the next time we're tempted to jump on the band wagon before we've heard all the evidence (which can take months, if not years, to all come to the surface). 

We have to be willing to make unpopular choices. 

My choice is to stand by someone who isn't a saint--but who isn't an abuser, either. My choice is to point out the problems with the alleged investigation, from start to finish, and the lack of follow-up before condemnations were made. My choice is to speak my mind, however belatedly, and go with my conscience. 

My choice is to remind people that there is a Dark Side to everything.